Personal story of one of us
from a friend of the ACW campaign, August 2006
I laid in bed for what seemed an eternity, and then a chubby looking man in a white coat walked up to me and said. "Mr. … we have just received your results, they have come back positive."
Everything went black. I did not collapse or faint. But, I just could not believe the drastic turn of events. It seemed that my world had come to an abrupt stop. This is what happened to me on 13th of June 2006. I was taken ill to the local general hospital with a severe stomach disorder. Unable to diagnose my illness, doctors wanted me to have an HIV test. I consented to the test. It was not something I was scared of as I had done the tests before, and they were negative. I was confident of my status but wanted to get to the bottom of my painful stomach cramps. I had been in the hospital for over a week before this fateful day.
All kinds of tests were done to find out what was wrong with me. It is difficult for me to describe what I felt at that moment because for a long time I was in a state of shock. Disbelief and sheer confusion reigned in my mind. After the doctors left, I laid numb. Life had dealt me a card unknown to me, at least most unexpected. I did not sleep that night nor did I find it easy to sleep the subsequent nights. The world all of sudden became a very lonely place. I was going to die young. At 33 pursuing my master’s degree, I believed that nothing was impossible. Life for me before the HIV test held out limitless opportunity yet all that vanished in an instant.
As days dragged on and one series of events led to another, I noticed with much sadness the reaction of some of my close friends. With the disclosure of my status, I received less hugs and less kisses until they were none at all. I understood why HIV positive is a frightening thing to many. What my counselor later said made sense, that people fear what they do not know.
Unfortunately, this made it all the more difficult for me. I still had friends who gave me encouragement. Who stood by me through thick and thin, and they are still my friends to date. All it took for me to see things differently was a simple phrase "life is about keeping on moving, never mind the direction just keep on moving".
I know this is very simplistic but I felt so moved by this simple statement that I have written it on my notice board in my study room to remind me of the journey that I am on. I was discharged from the hospital on 20 June. I was still weak from all the drugs they had pumped into me. I took each day as a step in my journey of life, keeping in mind that each day could be my last, HIV positive or not.
I started living for the moment. Each moment I drew breath, I cherished. I started on a regime of simple exercises in my room. The more I exercised the more alive I felt. I finally was bold enough to sign up for exercise at the gym. My appetite returned and food had taste again. I have since gained strength. I obviously have a long way to go but I am not going out without a fight.
Living is a choice we make each day we wake up in the morning, and for me survival is not something that’s given, it is a challenge and I face it every day. I now seldom think of death, instead I think about life. How will I live tomorrow? What job can I apply for? In addition, what do I want to achieve? I set for myself simple realistic goals and I do not push my body beyond its limit. I am still waiting to hear from my doctors if I will need medication soon but I must say I am being positive about life, and I know it will get better.
Anonymous, Zambia/UK
I laid in bed for what seemed an eternity, and then a chubby looking man in a white coat walked up to me and said. "Mr. … we have just received your results, they have come back positive."
Everything went black. I did not collapse or faint. But, I just could not believe the drastic turn of events. It seemed that my world had come to an abrupt stop. This is what happened to me on 13th of June 2006. I was taken ill to the local general hospital with a severe stomach disorder. Unable to diagnose my illness, doctors wanted me to have an HIV test. I consented to the test. It was not something I was scared of as I had done the tests before, and they were negative. I was confident of my status but wanted to get to the bottom of my painful stomach cramps. I had been in the hospital for over a week before this fateful day.
All kinds of tests were done to find out what was wrong with me. It is difficult for me to describe what I felt at that moment because for a long time I was in a state of shock. Disbelief and sheer confusion reigned in my mind. After the doctors left, I laid numb. Life had dealt me a card unknown to me, at least most unexpected. I did not sleep that night nor did I find it easy to sleep the subsequent nights. The world all of sudden became a very lonely place. I was going to die young. At 33 pursuing my master’s degree, I believed that nothing was impossible. Life for me before the HIV test held out limitless opportunity yet all that vanished in an instant.
As days dragged on and one series of events led to another, I noticed with much sadness the reaction of some of my close friends. With the disclosure of my status, I received less hugs and less kisses until they were none at all. I understood why HIV positive is a frightening thing to many. What my counselor later said made sense, that people fear what they do not know.
Unfortunately, this made it all the more difficult for me. I still had friends who gave me encouragement. Who stood by me through thick and thin, and they are still my friends to date. All it took for me to see things differently was a simple phrase "life is about keeping on moving, never mind the direction just keep on moving".
I know this is very simplistic but I felt so moved by this simple statement that I have written it on my notice board in my study room to remind me of the journey that I am on. I was discharged from the hospital on 20 June. I was still weak from all the drugs they had pumped into me. I took each day as a step in my journey of life, keeping in mind that each day could be my last, HIV positive or not.
I started living for the moment. Each moment I drew breath, I cherished. I started on a regime of simple exercises in my room. The more I exercised the more alive I felt. I finally was bold enough to sign up for exercise at the gym. My appetite returned and food had taste again. I have since gained strength. I obviously have a long way to go but I am not going out without a fight.
Living is a choice we make each day we wake up in the morning, and for me survival is not something that’s given, it is a challenge and I face it every day. I now seldom think of death, instead I think about life. How will I live tomorrow? What job can I apply for? In addition, what do I want to achieve? I set for myself simple realistic goals and I do not push my body beyond its limit. I am still waiting to hear from my doctors if I will need medication soon but I must say I am being positive about life, and I know it will get better.
Anonymous, Zambia/UK
posted by AIDS-Care-Watch at 3:24 pm
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